Once we start to acknowledge that our loved ones have a problem with alcoholism or another addiction that impairs their ability it is up to us to decide when we have had enough of being involved with them. There are always excuses. There are always apologies, but actions speak the loudest of words. It is up to us to be honest with ourselves and truly look at the relationship for what it really is. We have to separate the fact that our alcoholic may be our relatives, friends, or spouse and we have to look towards our own future and decide whether we want to continue to be on the roller coaster or not.
Even beyond recovery, taking the alcohol away from the alcoholic does not repair damage done. It does not rebuild trust that was broken. Most importantly it does not make up for lost time. We maintain loyalty to our relationships with family and friends, but we have to at some point question their labels to us versus their purpose. A mutual and loving relationship should not leave us with guilt or confusion. A mutual healthy relationship with another person should not involve the manipulation of one another’s actions or will.
Some people will make healthy choices in their sobriety and some will not. Some of the same patterns and behaviors that were present in active alcoholism will resurface in different forms. It is up to us to continue our own recovery and focusing on our own patterns so that we can make conscious decisions on whether we want to continue to participate or not. By discovering our own awareness we are able to establish boundaries for ourselves. We are able to determine if we are making healthy choices and placing ourselves around healthy people.
The patterns we were so accustomed to will no longer feel “normal.” The old shoe will no longer fit. We need to be patient with ourselves during this in between time as we will go back and fourth between our old behaviours and new healthy ones. Eventually we will find our balance and ultimately the answers we need to move forward.
You don’t have to do it alone. Find a local support group in your area or online at Al-Anon Family Groups.
